There’s a certain amount of expected angst and “taking stock” that comes with middle age, and that tendency towards introspection became even more intensified this year when I experienced some sudden-onset, mysterious back pain (nothing says “You’re old!” like back problems) on New Year’s Eve day, a time traditionally associated with New Year’s resolutions. The fall is always a little nutty for folks in education, and this year seemed extra intense: the crazy pace, the hurried meals, the endless evening events. We usually avoid the whole New Year’s hoopla, resolutions and all—who needs the added pressure—but last week with my back issues, everything seemed to come to a head. I knew I needed a different way.
The way my brain seems to deal with angst is horrid insomnia. That night I turned and tossed (as my back allowed) while my mind grappled with how to handle my feelings. I was compelled to do something, but the only feasible thing I could think of to do at two in the morning was to creep out of bed, grab a notebook and pen, settle on the couch with a heating pad, and make a list of resolutions.
It was a struggle, though.
It seemed like making a list of resolutions with specifics like “See Hamilton musical on Broadway” and “Hike the Lower Salmonberry Trail”, while nice, wouldn’t really do anything to address the above concerns. And I didn’t want a list of resolutions that on the surface seemed to work towards slowing life’s pace but would actually just end up feeling like more work to do. I mean, I love the idea of having a delicious home-cooked meal every evening, but I felt that setting that as a goal would just stress me out, and, when inevitably we resorted to pizza or sandwich night, it would make me feel like more of a failure at life.
Writing down resolutions that were too broad (Be more organized!) didn’t seem to be the answer, either. (Be more organized! has been a personal goal since I was in fifth grade.) Yet, not doing SOMETHING to try and address the feeling of not having agency in one’s own life, especially at the onset of a NEW year, and the end of a rather rough one, didn’t seem like an option, either. Forty-three might have seemed super-old to my younger self, but it now seems like a pretty young age to just… roll over.
I tried looking at it all from another angle… to work backwards. What makes me feel calm, centered, happy, inspired? I keep reading articles about how stressed and depressed kids are today—yikes. What do we do as a family that is meaningful and stress-reducing for all of us?
Once I went down that road of identifying what already felt positive, it helped me come up with some thoughts about how to move forward to feel empowered about the new year ahead. Instead of specific action items and todo’s, the list was filled with more generative attitudes towards things like creativity, failure and kindness.
As some turn to religious scripture for wisdom in times of need, I usually turn to books:
“Our lives can hold just so much. If they’re filled with one thing, they can’t be filled with another. We ought to do a lot of thinking about what we want to fill them with.” BETSY WAS A JUNIOR, Maud Hart Lovelace
CREATIVITY-
There is a reason I—and a zillion others—are obsessed with the cast album from the Hamilton Broadway musical: the writer/composer Lin-Manuel Miranda is a creative genius. (Literally. He received a Macarthur Genius grant last year.) You can’t listen and NOT be inspired to create. I am truly the happiest and most productive when in “creative” mode… it stands to reason, then, that I should make more room for that in my life
My approach:
Don’t just count on random bursts of inspiration to feed the need to create… CULTIVATE them. Substitute active creation for passive consumption. Try to prune away the stressful bits.
FAILURE-
I’m not good at everything and never will be. I often forget to order lunch for my children which ultimately makes our lives more stressful when trying to pull together a decent lunch at the last minute before heading out the door in the morning. “Cluttered” would be a very generous description of my home office.
My approach:
Instead of beating myself up over my shortcomings and living “helplessly” in their aftermath, I will pick a couple of things I can do to help lessen their impact on our lives. I want my kids to see that we don’t have to be perfect or expect perfection… but that we do have the ability to minimize our areas of challenge. To help, I will read THE LIFE-CHANGING MAGIC OF TIDYING UP: THE JAPANESE ART OF DECLUTTERING AND ORGANIZING by Marie Kondo.
KINDNESS-
In another Maud Hart Lovelace book, BETSY AND JOE, Joe ruminates about why Betsy’s father is such a happy person. “I’ve been trying to decide what makes him so happy. I believe it’s because he never thinks of himself. He is always thinking about doing something for somebody else…” I also came away from this year’s Newbery Medal winner THE HOUSE ON MARKET STREET with more or less the same message.
My approach:
I’m finding it a little difficult to come up with specifics for this one without it feeling contrived and disingenuous. I think it is going to start out as more of an intentional mind-set, and then I’ll see what comes from that. It might be simply start as nurturing and acting on all of the “kindness” impulses I often have and don’t always follow through on, but I’m excited to see where it leads.
Without dictatorially imposing my new resolutions on anyone else, I would like to discuss them as a family. I want to have a meeting, perhaps at a quiet restaurant so nobody can eat quickly and claim “homework” to get out of a “serious discussion”. I want to plant some seeds and get the kids thinking about things like: new learning experiences/creating, pursuing established interests/appreciating others’ creations, and thinking about others. We’ll keep it casual, but I really hope to set the stage for moving forward together with some intention.
If we are creating the momentum ourselves, maybe life won’t feel like a runaway train.
~
Mackintosh Academy is hosting some upcoming Parent Education events that promote creativity and reducing stress! Please join us.
“George Kembel, co-founder of Stanford’s d.school & founder of d.global, and Zach Nies, Managing Director of Techstars. Please bring your children from 3rd-12th grade to participate in the designing process. We’ll work together in empathy building, problem framing, and rapid prototyping to create activation ideas you can bring to your homes, classrooms, and schools. Workshop seating will be limited.”
Boulder Campus: Tuesday, January 26th, 6:30-8:00pm
“Dr. Gelman will present the SMART program developed by Dr. Amit Sood of the Mayo Clinic. (http://stressfree.org) The program presents a way to reframe daily practice in today’s stimulating daily environment. Focus on gratitude, compassion, meaning and forgiveness in a practice of mindful kindness to reduce stress in your own life.”