When my oldest son was in fifth grade, all fall and winter he dreaded the spring “human development” unit. Having to publicly discuss puberty with your teachers and peers? “Awk-ward,” he insisted. The word “puberty” alone, when uttered, seemed enough to cause him physical pain if the look on his face was to be believed.
I remember picking him and his friend up from school on the first day of the unit; they were all giggles while telling me they’d learned that they would likely experience “mood swings” and “irritability” when they became teenagers. They thought it was all so hilarious, and I couldn’t help laughing along with them. Giggling felt like an improvement over the dread. And, really, at the time, the thought of my darling first-born child (let alone his two younger brothers) experiencing the “sturm und drang” of adolescence seemed, well, absurd.
Fast-forward to the present– my household is inhabited by not one but two adolescents. Puberty in stereo. I don’t want to violate anyone’s privacy, but let’s just say that I’m not laughing quite so hard now. What once seemed like an absurdity is now reality.
And, yet… I adore teenagers. I adore pre-teens. My husband and I both have worked with other people’s teenagers at camps and in schools with great success. I’ve always abhorred adults who view teenagers and adolescence like a disease that must simply be weathered. But, as we all know, when it’s your own children involved, most of your professional experience and training seems to go out the window.
When experiencing a struggle of any kind, we always look for a book to help ground us. Brainstorm by Dr. Dan Siegel was recommended to me by a friend, and it has really helped us view our relationships with our children differently.
From a piece by Dr. Siegel, originally posted on Psychology Today:
One realization that emerged in reviewing the science of adolescence was that there is an ESSENCE to this period of life that is often not seen, and often lost in the stress and distraction of this sometimes tumultuous time of life. There are four vital features to adolescence that we can all, whatever age we may be, cultivate, that can be remembered using the acronym ESSENCE:
ES: An Emotional Spark is revealed in the enhanced way emotion generated from sub-cortical areas washes over the cortical circuits of reasoning. The downsides are emotional storms and moodiness; the upside is a powerful passion to live life fully, to capture life being on fire.
SE: Social Engagement emerges as teens turn more toward peers than parents, the downside being falling prey to peer pressure simply to gain membership in a group, the upside being the central importance of supportive relationships in our lives. Relationships are the key factor associated with medical and mental health, longevity, and even happiness.
N: Novelty-seeking emerges from shifts in the brain’s dopamine system with the downside of risk-taking behavior and injury, and the upside of having the courage to leave the familiar, certain, and safe home nest for the unfamiliar, uncertain, potentially unsafe world beyond.
CE: And our Creative Exploration of adolescence is found as we push against the status quo, imagining how things could be, not simply accepting them for what they are. The downside? Not just conforming to life as usual can be disorienting and stressful. The upside? The thrill and passion of discovery—and the reality that most innovations in art, music, science and technology emerge from the adolescent mind.
And so rather than ignoring the ESSENCE of adolescence, what if we shaped our culture—in our homes, our schools, and in our larger society—to cherish and cultivate these qualities?
Reading Brainstorm has inspired us, as parents, to change our outlook– instead of feeling like this is just a period of our family life that must just be endured, we will try and alter the culture of our own home and embrace the ESSENCE!
I’m sure we’ll still have our “sturm und drang” moments, though; perhaps blurting “mood swings!” or “irritability!” in those instances might lighten the mood and get us all giggling together again.
On April 8th, Mackintosh Academy in partnership with BVGT will host Dr. Dan Siegel as he presents: Understanding and Nurturing the Essence of Adolescents and Teens at 6:00 pm Fairview High School.